Dr. Beatrice Sparks previously edited Go Ask Alice, a book written by Hemingway's favorite author (namely, Anonymous). Few who were Young Adults in those happy times (c. 1970) will forget how harrowing was the diary of the little girl who fills a junkie's grave. (We demand revivals of this 1972 made-for-tv movie! William Shatner is in it! ) Reading Sparks' follow up Jay's Journal leads me to the suspicion that Go Ask Alice was actually not edited by Sparks but written by her. Because if Jay's Journal isn't grade-a, blue-ribbon, purest bullshit, than I've never stepped in any. (And I lived in Seminole, Oklahoma, where the cows may be contented, but they sure ain't continent.)

Jay's Journal purports to be the suicide diary of a 16 1/2 year old from somewhere in Mormonia (probably Utah, maybe Arizona or Nevada) passed on to Dr. Sparks of Provo, by the hands of Jay's mother who displayed to the doctor a few relics including "a half-eaten, linty M&M, [held] as reverently as though it were the sacrament." (Arroogah! bullshit alert! Who eats half of an M&M?) The diary follows Jay's slightly trouble youth as a member of the roguish "Boner Boy's Patrol"; after a burglary he ends up in white collar juvie where he becomes involved with "O" as he code names the occult. He meets a young priestess named Tina who has a ouija board, Rosicrucian books and a "voodoo wanga" that Jay uses to straighten a bobby pin with mental energy. "She's shattering my reality!" Tina and Jay go to a black mass where he drinks Tina's blood; afterwards, the 11 other Satanists present give her some band-aids for her cuts. "Why do people act like animals? ... I vowed never to use angel dust again. Should I talk to my father, see my Bishop? Oh, Judas, life is so complicated."

Jay sacrifices a kitten. He buys some reds and gets busted: "Life isn't worth a poop-de-do!" Jay tries to get it together, but the lure of the occult is too powerful. Our hero uses Satanism to win on his debating team, and later smells incense burning where there isn't any incense. He moves on to cattle mutilation, sacrificing a bull to the demon "Bootan"; and soon his friends all start dying mysterious impossible deaths. The demon Raul shows up in his bedroom: "It smells worse than that time we drove next to the oil refinery," says little brother Kendall, smelling Raul's evil. "Did you let that damn cat go stinky in the house again?," Dad grumbles. Finally, overwhelmed Jay shoots himself and dies. I vote for Shatner as the dad in the movie version.

Jay's Glossary

"Auwa" -- Satanic rite of chanting. "My auwa nightly rituals are the only thing that make me feel better, and the strange sounds of the ancient expression as they gurgle out of my throat." (sic) p.115

"Bootan" -- Evil demon who delights in cow blood. Possibly from California.

"Bummer" -- Satanic slang for undesirable event.

"O" -- The occult. Satanic abbreviation.

"Poop-de-do" -- Something small or worthless.

"Saber-toothed crotch crickets" -- Body lice. "Oh, shit, I've never had saber-toothed crotch crickets before ... is that all psychosomatic, too?"

"Toad, The" -- Jay's nickname for his green VW Beetle. Possibly Satanic code.

"Tote Goat" -- Small underpowered motorcycle. Note that the goat is the symbol of you know who.

"Turkey Tails" -- Whiners. "We were all just a bunch of bitching young turkey tails."

"Wanga" -- Satanic voodoo doll with feathers. "Tina said that sometimes wangas were advertised in the National Enquirer ... but without the knowledge of how to use them it was like giving a baby electricity when he didn't have the instructions or wasn't smart enough to turn on the switch." p. 108

Jay's Poetry

Once night brought warmth and peace and rest
A lullaby within my breast
A snoring dog besides my feet
A snuggling, purring kitten by my face
But who can trust the human race

Bonus "O" Ritual

"All the blood was dumped into the tub and one by one we were baptized in it, washing the sins and imperfections of our pre-O life away. Our heads were anointed with a few drops of urine we had milked out of the bull's dingy as he was laying there. Actually it had just been dribbling out, as was his feces, which amazed me at the time." Arrooogah! Bullshit alert!

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