What you did to me the other night was completely selfish. You left me there, at the Bank in Saratoga, alone, with no one to call. I turned around and saw that you had disappeared, and my heart sank. I had just saved you from the sewage, minutes before our last goodbye. I was quick enough to catch you between my thigh and that porcelain seat. How easily you slipped out of my back pocket, like you had this planned! What? Ohhhh, I am sorry. So I dropped you a few times before, but in my defense, I was two bottles of champagne deep crossing the street in 5-inch heels.

I get it, so it is because of me; I had hurt you so many times. Did you even think about my feelings, my life? I stopped you right before you were about to dive into that toilet in the bar. It was me who put you safely into the warm clutches of my Louis Vuitton. But that was not good enough. You leaped from my bag into that shit hole. Well, screw you then. I need a phone that is more stable, that thinks about me and my needs! You were always a few apps shy of actually fulfilling my technological desires anyway! R.I.P. Why, hello iPhone. Let us never be apart.

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