In the past year, a rising number of adults from Generation Z have decided to go “no contact” with their families. This is due to their mental health, differences in values, favoritism and control, harsh and abusive parenting, along with expectation differences.
It’s usually not just one event, but multiple events that lead individuals to cut off their families.
Aliya Dunbar from Richmond, Calif., has been estranged from her family for five years. She and her oldest sister remember times when their father was there—such as when the two would get dropped off at a gas station for their father to pick them up—and also when he was not, such as school graduations.
“He would help me with my homework and stuff when I was younger—this was when I was in elementary school,” said Dunbar. “But then there would be times where he’s like, ‘Okay, I’m gonna see you.’ But then he would never come. I remember my 8th grade graduation, and this also happened with my 12th grade graduation. He came and he didn’t stay the entire time. It’s like, okay, well, you’re there, but you’re not there.”
Bartender Joseph Gomez from Mountain View had cut off his family due to issues that started from his last year in high school into his early 20s. Gomez grew up in a strict household where mental illness was not talked about and communication issues were lingering with his father who passed away last year from a heart attack.
“We lived under the same roof and stuff, but we weren’t speaking at all,” Gomez said. “So if I had to talk to him about something, I would have to tell my mother to tell him and she would tell me his response. My mother was kind of the ‘go-between guy.’”
Younger generations are most likely to set boundaries to protect their well-being. Unfortunately, going “no contact” is the preferred solution, rather than trying to resolve the issues in their family.
The topic has started to spark debate online, whether it’s the fault of the parent or the individual. Videos on TikTok and YouTube are surfacing about the matter, and the hashtag #ToxicFamily has so far reached 1.9 billion views on TikTok.
According to a survey by Talker Research, 60% of Gen Z and 50% of millennials have cut off a family member. In addition, 36% of Gen Z adults felt like they were being disrespected, resulting in a family member being cut off; 30% said that either the person was being too negative and/or they felt the relationship had a negative effect on their mental health.
Another sign of a family that’s falling apart: Phone numbers are either muted or blocked, with 36% of Americans blocking a friend or family member on social media, and 30% removing a loved one from a group chat.
Gen Z respondents said that rather than communicating to address issues, they felt ready to distance themselves from a loved one. One problem is that family members don’t have the language for family estrangement. It can also lead to judgment from other family members.
As a defense mechanism, family members who have been cut off would say, “You’re ungrateful,” “You never appreciated anything,” “You’re spoiled” and that they’re “holding a grudge.”
Dr. Joshua Coleman is a leading Bay Area psychologist from Orinda, Calif., who was featured on an Oprah Winfrey podcast about Gen Z going “no contact” with family. He also wrote two books on family estrangement called Rules of Estrangement and When Parents Hurt.
In a phone interview, he said that it’s an indicator of how poorly Gen Z is doing since they have the highest rates of anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation and actual suicide, compared to previous generations.
“They’re being told that the reason for their mental illness has to do with dysfunctional parenting, dysfunctional families and I think it’s a misdirection,” said Coleman. “A lot of Gen Z are spending more time online than other generations and getting their information online. So I think that’s a big part of it.”
The idiom, “Blood is thicker than water,” signifies that familiar bonds are stronger and more loyal than friendships or other relationships. But now that perspective is changing as more adults are finding healthier relationships outside their family, such as their friends who sometimes treat them better than kin.
“I think the era of ‘blood is thicker than water’ is no longer true here,” said Coleman. “Most people are nicer to their friends than they are to their family. Their expectations may be different than they are from their family. There’s not the same kind of history of conflict that we have with our family.”
However, Dunbar says that the saying can go both ways, as she has family members that she trusts but she also has family members that she would rather go “no contact” with.
“My eldest sister and I were very close and I would do anything for her, she would do anything for me,” said Dunbar. “But also I’ve had family members—my mom, my dad, my aunt, my grandma—who’ve been distant and verbally abusive, and let those things go on. So I’d rather let the water seep through.”
Another issue is whether Gen Z has appropriate conflict resolution skills. This generation may be good with setting clear boundaries, systemic focus and compromising.
But what Gen Z individuals struggle with is sensitivity to feedback, resorting to avoidance and ghosting, and short-term resolution rather than actually resolving the conflict.
According to another survey—this one by ZeroBounce—Millennials prefer to handle conflicts via email, texts and other messaging apps to avoid face-to-face confrontations. They also need context for decisions made without explanation. About 53% of millennials feel underequipped with leadership skills because they lack conflict management training.
In families with more than one child, they have assigned one child with the role as the scapegoat, while the other child has been assigned the role as the parentified child. That dynamic can be viewed as toxic.
Lia Huynh, a marriage and family therapist from Milpitas, said the scapegoat is the child who always gets in trouble and is blamed for the family problems, while the parentified child is the one who gets straight A’s and looks out for the family.
“The scapegoat child might say, ‘Nobody protected me’ or ‘Everyone was against me. No one understood me,’” Huynh said. “But the parentified child would say, ‘I gave up so much for the family’ or ‘I worked so hard to hold everyone together.’”
In certain cultures, like Asian communities, family is taught to be the most important thing. Huynh believes this is due to the emphasis of family and communal culture.
“You have your family unit and you do everything to preserve that family unit,” said Huynh. “When you make decisions, you make it not for yourself, but for your family. There’s a lot more sacrifice for each other. People are more willing to sacrifice. There’s a lot of expectation for everyone to sacrifice.”
But in Western countries, many people move out when they are 18 years old, either to go to college or live on their own once they’ve become an adult. About 27% of adults are now completely estranged from their family.
“Carl Pillemer at Cornell said 27% of people over 18 are estranged from a family member,” Coleman said. “Another study said that 26% of fathers are estranged from a child. So different studies show different statistics, but the figures are high and they’re worrisome.”
Approximately 22-30% of Gen Z adults identify as an LGBTQ+ member. Some families are not willing to accept their relatives when they open up to them about their sexuality. These individuals cut off their family because they feel compelled to remove themselves from an environment that was either homophobic and transphobic.
“It’s understandable that they’d want to limit, if not end, contact with that person,” Coleman said, “because that person’s not showing them respect about some fundamental aspect of their identity.”
Then there’s the situation when parents do not accept their adult children’s future spouses due to them not reaching their expectations.
“If it’s just like a preference thing, like, ‘Oh, they don’t have the right schooling, they might have the right pedigree, they’re not the right ethnicity,’ you can talk to them about your fears,” Huynh said. “But at the end of the day, you don’t want to create an estrangement between you and your kid because they need you.”
Psychologists and critics have warned that the “epidemic of estrangement” can lead to social isolation, prolonged grief and the avoidance of healthy conflict resolution skills.
But there’s a sense of relief after an individual makes the decision to cut off their family, which includes a secure sense of self, stress relief and liberation. In addition, it opens up mental and emotional space for the individual to decide what “family” actually means to them.
