I slaved over my tomato plant for months. But all my hard work was about to pay off: for the last few weeks, I watched five luscious tomatoes ripen. This morning I went down to check on them, feeling like today just might be the day—and four of the five ripe tomatoes were gone! OK, asshole, thanks for leaving me the smallest one. People like you are the scum of the earth. I’ve injected the remaining tomatoes—which probably won’t even ripen now before the summer sunlight runs out, you dick—with a special formula that will make the next thief projectile vomit for weeks, unable to enjoy any more ill-gotten goodies. Only I know the antidote. So think twice next time you want to steal the fruits of someone else’s labor.
SEND US your anonymous rants and raves about your co-workers or any badly behaving citizen—or about citizens you admire. I SAW YOU, Metro, 550 S. First St., San Jose, 95113, or via email to Is*****@*******ws.com.
