.I Saw You: Wipe Out

You, a 20-something tech bro, were pitching a startup idea to the girl who was sitting across from you at a cafe. After clearing your throat, you asked, “Have you ever run out of toilet paper with no one around to help? Well, Wipr connects valued customers with locally sourced TP using a distributed, crowd-sourced platform!” I’m sure you were expecting her intrigue, maybe even arousal. With an expression of disbelief, she responded, “Wait, can’t I just buy toilet paper ahead of time?” Taken aback, you re-composed yourself and replied, “Great question! We’ve found that most customers prefer the single roll delivery method, because of the personalized experience of receiving the roll from our qualified team members!” Without hesitation she retorted, “That’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard. Who wants to talk to someone while they’re taking a shit!? This is a joke, right?” Silence followed, and at this point the whole cafe was tuning in. You took a deep breath: “Our mobile app is in beta … I sold my house for this.” The look on her face was priceless. You probably could’ve used some TP to clean up that mess.

I Saw You is an anonymous “man on the street” column. Email your rants and raves about co-workers or any badly behaving citizens to [email protected], or send to 380 S. First St, San Jose, 95113. Submissions should stick to about 100 words.

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